{"id":134,"date":"2025-04-15T17:07:02","date_gmt":"2025-04-15T21:07:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/?p=134"},"modified":"2025-04-18T09:50:59","modified_gmt":"2025-04-18T13:50:59","slug":"melancholy-melodies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/2025\/04\/15\/melancholy-melodies\/","title":{"rendered":"Melancholy Melodies"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Living the Teenage Nightmare<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0As a child, I imagined life at 17 as a teenage dream. To my surprise, this was a cruel lie. My teenage years were a nightmare I could not wake up from. Existence felt like a burden, the future a dreadful topic. I was told that I have my whole life ahead of me and to enjoy my youth while I can. Hearing this fueled the guilt that haunted me daily. Nothing was wrong in my life, the sun kept on shining. It felt as if I did not have the right to feel as miserable as I did. Every day looked the same; wake up, freshen up, go to school, come home and retreat to my nest of a bed that I refused to leave until the cycle inevitably restarted. I found temporary escape through video games, food, socially accepted drugs, and dating apps, but it was never enough. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My bedroom was rarely a quiet place as I eventually found comfort in music. The misery that gripped me so violently wasn\u2019t inexpressible after all. The artists that mean the most to me don\u2019t have crowds of fans jumping and bumping to bass so loud it could pop an eardrum. I found that whispers of song could quiet the horrors in my head. Music of heartbreak and loneliness sparked emotions in me that I needed to face. Avoidance no longer suited me as it was time to address the depression consuming my life with the music that inspired rebound and recovery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Curtains Close for Good<\/h2>\n\n\n
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The thespian masks art print by JennyandSophie courtesy of Redbubble<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0I had an aspirational childhood. I naively believed becoming a star was my destiny. I was a theatre kid, I listened to showtunes like it was nobody\u2019s business. I would dance around my room until the sweat drenched me and looked like I had gone for a swim. I imagined the bright lights of Broadway shining down on me while applause roared through the crowd during my lone performances. In my mind, I never failed to earn a standing ovation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After starting high school, I joined the drama club. This would shockingly be one of the most traumatic moments of my life thus far. My dreams were shattered as the director and peers criticized my every move. I would strive for lead roles. I knew I was born to be in the limelight. When I was deprived of these opportunities, my peers who did land these roles would tell me I wasn\u2019t good enough. They insisted I had to try harder so I could be more like them. Was I doing something wrong? Was I delusional? Were my talents illusory?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I sought guidance and advice from the so-called \u201cstars\u201d I admired but painfully envied. It was by no means constructive. It was an unnecessarily competitive environment where high school kids judged each other\u2019s skills, sociability, and physical appearances to project their own insecurities. It was almost like a low-budget reality show poorly written for Nickelodeon or something. Friendships were fake and dreams were crushed for everyone involved. My self-esteem rapidly deteriorated. COVID shut the door early on my high school theatre hobby and I never looked back again. I lost my love for musicals and was repulsed at the thought of ever listening to Broadway cast recordings ever again. I began to guiltily fantasize about suicide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/www.publichealth.columbia.edu\/news\/pandemic-has-lasting-effects-teen-mental-health-substance-use<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Queen of Surreal Sadness<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

It felt like my world was falling apart and taking me down with it. Every night I would lie in bed and search for music that matched the low vibrations of my emotional energy. I scrolled on Spotify for hours every day waiting for an artist that understood my situation. I came across a name I recognized, Lana Del Rey. I recognized her as a popular singer known for her cinematic melancholia that differed from many artists of her time. I had listened to her once or twice as a freshman but didn\u2019t understand suffering as I did at this point. I decided to give her first album,\u00a0Born to Die<\/em>, a listen. I was instantly transported to a space of bliss. I lied still in my bed, eyes closed, and cried so hard my head pulsated. The song, \u201cDark Paradise\u201d, hit me hard. I had no idea music could be so raw and vulnerable. At last, I knew I was not alone in feelings of hopelessness which ironically provided me glimmers of optimism. Lana\u2019s songs are poetic, they reached me at my core and brought my shadow to the surface. It was intimate, I listened to her for days on end and desired to share my love for her with my family. I expected empathy and support but was met with looks of disapproval and concern.<\/p>\n\n\n

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Album cover of Born to Die on Spotify courtesy of Lana Del Rey<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n
\nhttps:\/\/youtu.be\/l4rhJx2YPo8?si=GV0FMvEJ4ibFultt&t=55\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\"Your soul is haunting me and telling me that everything is fine \/ but I wish I was dead \/ Every time I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise.\" <\/em> (Del Rey)<\/pre>\n\n\n\n
Losing Hope, Mesmerized by Music<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u201cAs I got older, I learned I\u2019m a drinker \/ Sometimes a drink feels like family \/ Family,<\/em>\u201d (Mitski). 
<\/pre>\n\n\n
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Album cover of The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We on Spotify courtesy of Mitski<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0My family tended to deny my hardships. My mom repeatedly told me, \u201cThis is normal, you\u2019re a teenager. It\u2019s just hormones. Just think positive.\u201d I felt invalidated. I developed depressive thoughts and tendencies at age 15, but lack of support amplified my loneliness as my teenage years progressed. I engaged in addictive habits. I spoke to therapist after therapist, I was prescribed almost every medication in the book until I was a numb shell of the charismatic child I once was. Nobody and nothing was going to save me, I only felt understood when I listened to Lana\u2019s music. She became an important part of my morning routine. Especially my morning drives to school. I would carpool with my best friends who didn\u2019t always share my taste, \u201cCan\u2019t you play something less depressing?\u201d they would ask me, but I didn\u2019t feel that the music worsened my mood. I enjoyed the lyrical depth I felt modern pop music lacked. I did not feel much improvement with my headspace, but I lived for the music. It is what kept me going in my darkest hours.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Stars of my Life’s Soundtrack<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\u00a0\u201cYeah, I wish I\u2019d been a, wish I\u2019d been a teen, teen idle \/ Wish I\u2019d been a prom queen fighting for the title \/ Instead of being 16 and burning up a bible \/ Feeling super, super (super!) suicidal<\/em>,\u201d (MARINA).<\/pre>\n\n\n
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Album cover of Electra Heart on Spotify courtesy of Marina<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n
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Image of the band Cigarettes After Sex courtesy of Bandcamp.com<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n
\u00a0\u00a0 During my senior year, I was uninspired and had no desire to accomplish anything. I locked myself away in my room, gently swaying to the sweet sounds of sadness. I delved deeper into the world of melodic artistry, listening to singers and bands that touched my soul. Cigarettes After Sex has an ethereal quality in their minimalistic but heart wrenching instrumentals. \u201cYou\u2019re All I Want\u201d was a song that caught my attention after I would pick a random playlist to cry myself to sleep, most likely titled something like \u201cthe world is ending\u201d or \u201cI hate my life\u201d. To this day, it hits my soul so hard that I must ensure I\u2019m in a place where I can comfortably have a meltdown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
        Mazzy Star\u2019s solemn tone makes me feel like I’m transcending. Their album,\u00a0So Tonight That I Might See<\/em>, is somewhat of a forgotten gem. Most would call them a one-hit wonder, referring to the song \u201cFade Into You\u201d.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n
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Image of Fiona Apple courtesy of Spotify<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n
         I fell in love with Ethel Cain\u2019s telling of stories unheard. She establishes a narrative with her alias derived from a fictional character in her debut album\u00a0Preachers<\/em>\u00a0Daughter<\/em>.\u00a0<\/em>She explores themes revolving around religious trauma in which I empathize as a free-spirited gay guy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
        Fiona Apple\u2019s songwriting is creativity in its purest essence. Admittedly, she does have a bit of a strange off-putting vibe which just so happens to suit my personality perfectly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
        It was almost like I knew each one of these musicians personally. I had never listened to albums in their entirety before but now I would lose myself in the music. My speakers would reach volumes higher than the recommended limit and my walls were thin.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Backlash I Didn’t Need<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWell, he seemed broken-hearted \/ Something within him \/ But the moment I first laid \/ Eyes on him, all alone \/ On the edge of 17,<\/em>\u201d (Nicks).<\/pre>\n\n\n
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Album cover of Belladonna on Spotify courtesy of Stevie Nicks<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n
    By 17 my parents no longer rejected the idea of their son having a mental illness after it didn’t get better as years passed. With this understanding came disapproval of my newfound music preferences. They partly attributed my setbacks to the artists I grew fond of. They argued that I would never feel better if I listened to such tragic styles of music, identifying with it rather than rejecting it. I knew that this couldn\u2019t be further than the truth. How could art so grounding possibly cause harm to someone? Following an awful year and obligatory college applications, I graduated high school and moved on to the next steps with a tense self-loathing attitude. I left my childhood home while music kept me afloat.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
College Crisis and A New Friend<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\u00a0\u201cDays like this, I don\u2019t know what to do with myself \/ All day and all night \/ I wander the halls along the walls \/ And under my breath, I say to myself \/ \u2018I need fuel to take flight\u2019,<\/em>\u201d (Apple).<\/pre>\n\n\n
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Album cover of Tidal on Spotify courtesy of Fiona Apple<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It was the first night of my new college life and I honestly could not have cared less. Fear and isolation consumed me. I sat in the crowd of other freshmen and sensed a mix of excitement and nervousness. I eventually mustered up the courage to turn to the girl next to me and introduce myself. After a few minutes of small talk, I asked the question of the century\u2026 \u201cDo you listen to Lana del Rey?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
          Following her enthusiastic yes, I undoubtedly knew I had just met my closest friend at Stockton University. We talked every day, ranking albums from worst to best and asking for recommendations. Together we dived into the discographies of Radiohead, The Smiths, Phoebe Bridgers, Deftones, Mitski, and countless others. I put her on to some artists and she returned the favor. We would tell our new friends about songs that deeply changed us and were able to influence them a bit as well. Sharing my love for the music I cherished was equally exciting as it was freeing. Though this was true, I would still go to bed at night hoping the next day would never come. I was apathetic toward every aspect of my life. As awful as this sounds, I would have jumped for joy if I received a stage 4 cancer diagnosis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Connecting with Others Through Melancholia<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOh, what can I do? \/ Life is beautiful, but you don\u2019t have a clue \/ Sun and ocean blue \/ Their magnificence, it don\u2019t make sense to you,<\/em>\u201d (Del Rey).<\/pre>\n\n\n
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Album cover of Ultraviolence on Spotify courtesy of Lana Del Rey<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n
 My new friends understood why I listen to the music I do but they still worried about my wellbeing. I made unexpected connections through music as I realized that there are people in this world who have gone through just as much as I have but came out the other side. I failed to realize this as a possibility, I assumed I was naturally doomed. I finally found community but still felt completely alone. I had reached my rock bottom and realized the crucial decision I must make. I could either give up on everything and accept my fate of failure or take back control of my life and commit to finding meaning in it all. I chose the latter and applied to transfer schools knowing I needed a fresh slate more than anything else. I got accepted to Temple University and elected to rebuild my life from the ground up.\u00a0For the most part, I made these choices with a pair of headphones on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A New Beginning<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\u00a0\u201cWell, the sky has finally opened \/ The rain and wind stopped blowin\u2019 \/ But you\u2019re stuck out in the same ol\u2019 storm again,<\/em>\u201d (Musgraves). <\/pre>\n\n\n
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Album cover of Golden Hour on Spotify by Kacey Musgraves<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0I continue my collegiate path at Temple. This time around, I have an optimistic outlook on the life ahead of me. I received the proper help I needed, and it forever changed the ways I perceive the world. Despite the peace I found within, I still listen to the music that followed me through all the twists and turns of growing up and developing my sense of self. The backlash from my family subsided as they noticed I started smiling again, though I still get the occasional sigh when they hear the same old albums on repeat.<\/p>\n\n\n
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Image of Lorde courtesy of Spotify<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n
          Sometimes I\u2019m asked if I will ever get sick of my favorites and move on. Of course, it naturally ebbs and flows. I like to keep an open mind and expand my playlists from time to time. I created space for artists that don\u2019t always sing about the cataclysmic horrors of a world fueled by shallow superficial desire. Kacey Musgraves, Lorde, and Clairo remind me that life isn\u2019t always sunshine and rainbows, but that doesn\u2019t mean brighter days are a figment of imagination. I\u2019m living proof that life\u2019s challenges breed resilience in those who really want it.\u00a0\u00a0I even returned to my roots and occasionally listen to my favorite musicals, but nothing compares to the vulnerability in sorrowful songwriting.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Happiness is a Butterfly<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
The music dearest to me taught me lessons I needed the most. Regardless of my current mood, my dreary music taste allows me to romanticize my life and make sense of tribulation. I feel peak contentment when finding beauty in the mundane. Sad music revived my lust for life. It\u2019s ironic how depressing musicality has uplifted me more than any forced positive affirmations. I defy the skeptical remarks from family and friends and see melancholia for what it is, acceptance of negative emotions. One cannot find the light in life without immense darkness. The everchanging soundtrack of my life gives me purpose, and that is something I refuse to take for granted. Music is a channel for limitless emotional expression, be it triumph or tragedy, which has personally affected my discovery of meaning in this life. Sad music has made me happier than ever. I owe it to Lana Del Rey for having paved the way for me, verbalizing the ineffable, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nhttps:\/\/youtu.be\/nbcXvlEa7Wk?si=PChkXpDSzNuP4ZaN\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHappiness is a butterfly \/ Try to catch it like every night \/ It escapes from my hands into moonlight,<\/em>\u201d (Del Rey).\u00a0<\/pre>\n\n\n
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Album cover of Norman Fucking Rockwell! on Spotify courtesy of Lana Del Rey<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n
Apple, Fiona. \u201cSullen Girl.\u201d Tidal<\/em>, Epic Records, 1996. Spotify<\/em>, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nhttps:\/\/open.spotify.com\/track\/6cVxGzo7214XabSXFGasNl?si=7c53db9035fb41a1\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Cain, Ethel. Preacher\u2019s Daughter<\/em>, Daughters of Cain Records, 2022. Spotify<\/em>,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nhttps:\/\/open.spotify.com\/album\/3WmujGwOS0ANHkJRnMH6n8?si=tccLPo3NQvWqTw4gbdvQ9g\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Cigarettes After Sex. \u201cYou\u2019re All I Want.\u201d Partisan Records, 2020. Spotify<\/em>, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nhttps:\/\/open.spotify.com\/track\/2cTvZSCqzjkTMkIypLxUFH?si=231e02fd4dbb4be9\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Del Rey, Lana. \u201cBlack Beauty.\u201d Ultraviolence<\/em>, Polydor Records, 2014. Spotify<\/em>,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nhttps:\/\/open.spotify.com\/track\/63hHlajVLQnlFMAqSyePxO?si=847bfa193ee04c09\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Del Rey, Lana. \u201cDark Paradise.\u201d Born to Die<\/em>, Polydor Records, 2012. Spotify<\/em>,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nhttps:\/\/open.spotify.com\/track\/0rbuGVyW18IpX0bhA3P4Oh?si=d19e725889794786\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Del Rey, Lana. \u201cHappiness is a Butterfly.\u201d Norman Fucking Rockwell!<\/em>, Polydor Records, 2019. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Spotify<\/em>, https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/track\/3lG6OtGDsYAOALxEmubQQm?si=f728b30b2fcc46b7<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n
MARINA. \u201cTeen Idle.\u201d Electra Heart<\/em>, Atlantic Records UK, 2012. Spotify<\/em>, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nhttps:\/\/open.spotify.com\/track\/7yexC1v9jx6PXYbJgjzXRV?si=1f765aa5d60c4cc2\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Mazzy Star. \u201cFade Into You.\u201d So Tonight That I Might See<\/em>, Capitol Records Inc, 1993. Spotify<\/em>, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nhttps:\/\/open.spotify.com\/track\/1LzNfuep1bnAUR9skqdHCK?si=180028d604f04e4f\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Mitski. \u201cBug Like an Angel.\u201d The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We<\/em>, Dead Oceans, 2023.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Spotify<\/em>, https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/track\/45KMdPDdZTxcXW3lw10R70?si=6d78c418daad4ec6<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Musgraves, Kacey. \u201cRainbow.\u201d Golden Hour<\/em>, MCA Nashville, 2018. Spotify<\/em>, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nhttps:\/\/open.spotify.com\/track\/79qxwHypONUt3AFq0WPpT9?si=88434513b4614c82\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
Nicks, Stevie. \u201cEdge of Seventeen \u2013 2016 Remaster.\u201d Bella Donna<\/em>, Modern Records Inc, 1981. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Spotify<\/em>, https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/track\/7L3b6iaVhDVjfo52Hbvh9Z?si=837dc539881d4db4<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Living the Teenage Nightmare \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0As a child, I imagined life at 17 as a teenage dream. To my surprise, this was a cruel lie. My teenage years were a nightmare I could not wake up from. Existence felt like a burden, the future a dreadful topic. I was told that I have my whole life… Continue Reading Melancholy Melodies<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":37097,"featured_media":154,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-134","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/37097"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=134"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":187,"href":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134\/revisions\/187"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/154"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=134"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=134"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.temple.edu\/msp3196spring2025\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=134"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}